Exploring the Dreamscape

Low Bars

I’m pretty fed up with it all at this point. I’m pretty tired of all the lying I do to myself anymore. I’m not even mad right now. I am in fact more perturbed that I just feel nothing. My dog is dying, my grandpa is dying, and quite frankly I’m sick of most people, but more importantly sick of myself. I hate that I’m afraid to say things because I’ll look weak and then no one will ever find me sexually approachable ever again. Oh hey, the very fact that I think that is one of those thoughts.

I’m not even sexually frustrated, but just want someone to be with. Whatever.

Now I need to go have fun with people. The bar is set pretty low.

And yet I still travel. On the bright side the streets also look rather stunning.

asada's memorandum: The Day I Saw Van Gogh's Genius in a New Light

asada0:

Japanease version

The other day, I experienced the “Color Vision Experience Room” at the event of the Hokkaido Color Universal Design Organization (HCUDO), where I had invited to speak. The event’s main objective was to educate the public about the diversity of color vision which exists in…

Stepping Forward

It feels good getting my life into order. I’ve figured out a lot about myself in my time drifting between couches and floors. Mostly how good my friends are, and what they all mean to me. For better or worse it’s thanks to my friends that I now have a room of my own, and that I have a job.

It’s like they say, it’s who you know. I happen to know a lot of amazing people. I hope to meet more on my travels (which will be later this month, expect a lot of blog updates my… few followers).

I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I can’t really see many points in my life worth changing. I’m just lucky that I ended up living in Seattle rather than the middle of nowhere like a lot of people I know. I mean thumbs up to those who have a wife, a kid, and a mortgage to pay. It’s a valid lifestyle and one that many people dream of having, but I can’t relegate myself to such a boring piece of pie just yet.

So I think I’ll go eat some food in Europe. I’ll probably post pictures of it here, just to make people envious.

Thanks to the friends who stuck with me, even the ones I hadn’t seen since early High school. It’s good to know after all these years people still had my back. I’ve lost a few friends this year, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss them at all. I don’t like seeing time invested slip away, but there is only so much I can say or do before it’s out of my hands and in their court.

Though bridges may burn the path beyond the river will always be paved to my door.

Uncle Kyle! Looking forward to spoiling the kid.

Wow

And then I was an uncle. Also I have my apartment now, which greatly pleases me. I rate this month thus far highly.

azizalbraik:

Amédée

Up and Up!

So now I just need to start planning for what I want to do. I feel like I’ve been given a blank check for life. I can do a lot of things, and get things really going. It’s amazing how life moves in these directions. I can go wherever I like, and go to school as well! On top of that I can support myself without any assistance.

Now I want to do more than just talk about that.

I wonder how many other people my age would benefit from being hit by a car? Ridiculous how the world works the way it does anymore. Hard work is one thing, but then on top of that there is just plain luck. Up and down… how fortunate I am to be down down down before going near the top! Well, high enough that is.

Let’s Post more often here

Going to try and use this more often, maybe follow a lot more people in turn. Just gonna dump some thoughts, maybe think some ideas out.

Over the last few months I’ve been going through loops with the people around me. Gaining a few new friends, solidifying a few other friendships, and seeing just how weak bonds were that I thought were much stronger. It’s interesting to see just how strong some friendships are, how little you think you do for people only to learn how much they care for you. It only makes me want to do that much more for those around me.

Making new friends seems to be an up and down process. I have had the same circle of friends for so long now I forget just how comfortable I am around them. That feeling of trust, knowing exactly what they will think of my comments or actions. They know me, they know when I’m joking and when I’m serious. So when I meet new people I sometimes forget how intense I can be in terms of my humor. It in fact amazes me how serious they think I am.

Which leads me to how uncomfortable I can be around new people. I don’t feel shy, if anything I just don’t give them a chance to understand me. The new people are catching on now though. They just needed some time to get it.

Of course this brings us to strained relationships that were once so strong. They are no doubt my own fault, either through action or blindness. In one case the cause is inaction.

I will tackle the biggest question that assaults me everyday. It crawls in when I’m in the shower or when I’m just browsing the internet, and it stays for longer than I’d prefer. The very thought poisons my moods, and it makes me wonder just how it slips in every time.

How can a human being you trust and love feel so inhuman?

This of course is a thought that isn’t at all fair to anyone. What makes a human is subjective. I happen to have my own standards, but they are quite forgiving. When I have to ask that question, that is when I begin to feel depressed.

It doesn’t last long. I realize there is nothing I can do about someone feeling so completely cold.

I’m the only one to blame anyways. I’m an intense person, I have no doubts in some ways the only way to deal with me is to turn away completely. Still, I don’t think it’s wrong of me to question things.

I hope I never have the ability to turn myself off like that. I refuse to believe as a person I have that ability. I used to question just what feeling I could conjure (as most angst ridden teenagers do), and I learned I always had feelings for those around me. For my friends and family. It doesn’t take long for me to make that investment either, and for that I’m glad.

As for inaction… there isn’t much to say about it. I made a choice, and that choice may or may not have been the right one. It wasn’t a choice I made willingly, but one that involved another friend’s wishes. Such choices are not easy to make, and even harder when the query of right and wrong are on the table.

The world is not black and white. There is a gray.

So to all my friends (new and old) I hope we can continue on the paths presented to us. Oh, and let’s enjoy the rest of the year.

Tattoos

“I hope you don’t have a label that says fuck me.”
“I do, it’s called my dick.”
“Well why don’t you get it tattooed on there?”